How often do we spend our days fearing that we’re being judged by somebody else? Whether it’s being reluctant to leave the house because you never got to finish styling your hair or feeling like you can’t say or do what you want because somebody else is watching. Even though most people think they’re immune to this, surprisingly we place a lot of value on what others think of us. We may even dress a certain way, speak a certain way, or act a certain way all in an effort to gain the approval of somebody else. Even if these actions go against our true beliefs, we’ll still attempt to play them off as we try and please others.

Some people go their entire lives acting this way, putting so much effort into developing a persona that isn’t theirs that they lose sight of who they truly are. The problem with this is that even though their intentions are good, they’re simply acting this way because they want somebody else to like them. Because of that, often times the initial danger of such an action is hidden, and changing yourself to better appeal to someone else’s interests seems like something of minimal harm.

Why do we do this though?

Why do we put so much time and energy into appealing to others if it’s only going to slow us down personally? Why would I want to change the way I think or act if it’s going to raise the way somebody else perceives me, but at the same time lower the way I perceive myself? In doing this, we’re essentially giving up our power of self-control to somebody else, letting their thoughts dictate how we should act instead of following what we find to be true to ourselves. Why, as people, do we put so much emphasis on how we’re being perceived by others when it really doesn’t matter? Not only is it a debilitating effect we’re laying upon ourselves, but it can also be a social, mental, and even physical burden as well. Nothing like having to change your course of action last minute because somebody else doesn’t like what you’re doing.

The real issue to deal with is self confidence. Instead of aiming our actions towards what makes us happy, we’re aiming them at what makes others happy. But why? Why choose a route to please someone else if it’s not going to please you? After all, these are decisions that affect your life, not somebody else’s. If this is something we’re consciously aware of, then why would we still care about what another person thinks, still focusing our time and effort to please somebody else instead of pleasing ourselves?

Because we lack self confidence. We’re not 100% confident in our actions, and so we require the approval of others to give the illusion that we’re headed on the right track. It’s easier to group ourselves with others rather than stand alone on an issue or when making a decision. Even if what we do isn’t something we totally believe in, knowing that we have other people who think we made the right choice or acted appropriately gives us a false sense of confidence and appreciation. Deep down inside we know our actions weren’t true to our beliefs, but we take comfort in knowing that other people view us or our actions as acceptable. After all, it takes a lot of courage to stand alone on something you believe in, especially when the world seems to be against you. This is, in essence, what separates the men from the boys. Those brave enough to act by their own accord, accepting the consequences that follow, and those who choose to be followers, acting not to please themselves, but to please others.

I can personally relate to this because it’s something I myself used to do. Of course, I wasn’t consciously aware of it, but as I began to notice a certain pattern, I was able to trace my actions back to this same root problem. It first started when I was giving public speeches in college. Now I actually enjoy public speaking, I like being able to engage with an audience and visually perceive how my words and actions are affecting them. At the time however, anytime I even thought of public speaking I got incredibly anxious. I would spend all day trying to find reasons to get out of the speaking event, even going so far as to skip classes despite knowing that it would hurt my grade. What confused me was that consciously, I knew my fear was irrational. I knew it didn’t matter how good or bad my speech went, nobody in the audience was going to physically attack me or threaten me, yet I still felt each wave of anxiety crashing down. I’d get up there to give my presentation and my voice would crack, my hands would tremble, and I’d completely lose my train of thought.

Initially I assumed that this was fear of fear itself. That because I was afraid of anxiety and giving a poor presentation, I actually brought upon anxiety by constantly thinking of it. This is something a lot of people get stuck in, and they assume that anxiety itself is the cause. I would practice techniques to calm my anxiety and keep a level head, and when it came time to give my next presentation, I’d force positive thoughts into my mind in hopes that it would help to ease the anxiety. This worked to a small degree, and my anxiety levels went from being about a 10 to a 7. I still had a good deal of anxiety, and in order to be successful with my public speaking I knew that I had to drop this level of anxiety down to about a 4 or 5 at the very highest. Preferably a 2 or 3, just barely enough anxiety to keep me on my toes, but not enough to actually cause fear or dislike of public speaking.

At this point I was presented with two choices:

• to give up on public speaking
• to find a means of overcoming these fears

While it seems obvious to say that overcoming these fears was my strongest option, (and it was) I had of course become very frustrated with the entire ordeal of giving speeches to begin with. Not only did they terrify me, but days before the speech was to be given I would start building up a wall of anxiety in anticipation for the actual event. I was eating less and my sleep cycle had taken a turn for the worst. To top things off, I’d begin a negative thought pattern sometimes as early as a week before each speech was to be given. I’d envision myself having the worst types of anxiety as I was giving the speech, and when anxiety did appear during the speech, it just reaffirmed this fact to me. You can see how this creates quite the vicious cycle.

It wasn’t until my sophomore year of college that I started trying to better understand why this was going on. Sure, I could’ve taken some sort of drug to calm me before I was to give my presentation, but that would’ve left me feeling weak minded and as if I had given in to my fear. It would’ve essentially signaled that I had lost the battle and was now reliant on some outside source to help me cope. I started thinking to myself assuming I DO go up there and have a complete mental breakdown, forget everything I have to say, and shake and tremble throughout the entire thing, then what? Was somebody going to beat me up after class? Was I going to get kicked out of the University? Would my parents suddenly abandon me and all my friends start disliking me? Assuming I do have these pangs of anxiety, what’s the worse that’s going to happen? I mean, I’ll be uncomfortable for the duration of the speech, but afterwards life will continue as normal. Another day will come and the world will continue to move about. I also realized that when I was giving these presentations, half the people weren’t even paying attention. Sometimes it felt like I was talking only to the professor, or worse yet, a brick wall.

I had realized that even if I did continue on having these feelings of anxiety, that it really didn’t matter what happened. Supposing that everyone in the classroom decided to stand up and laugh at me, life would go on as normal at the end of the day. If somebody decided they no longer wanted to associate themselves with me because I gave a bad speech then fine, so be it. Do I really want someone that shallow in my life to begin with? It became evident to me that the reason I was getting hit with so much anxiety before these speeches is because I was trying to please each and every person in the audience and live up to their personal expectations. Why do you think people panic so often when they have to speak to a large crowd? If they were to give that same speech to each person in the audience individually, chances are there wouldn’t be any problems; give that same speech to a large group however, and issues start to arise.

The thing is, when we speak to people individually, we can conform ourselves to their thoughts and beliefs. You may present your speech to one person in a more intense way, while another person may require things to be toned down a bit. You may even use different body language or slang terms when speaking to one person than you do another. When speaking to individuals or small groups of people, we can easily classify these people into a certain group and then change our behavior accordingly; but attempt this on a larger group of people and you'll see it becomes impossible to pull off. I can’t speak in slang to one person, and then speak formally to another, just as I can’t adjust my body language to suit each individual person. This means that there will inevitably be some form of conflict that arises throughout the speech, which, subconsciously, is the biggest reason we fear giving it.

Obviously I’m not talking about physical conflict, and I’m not even talking about verbal conflict such as arguing with members of the audience. Instead, you have to adjust and format your speech into one delivery style, which means that instead of being able to adapt the way you speak to each members individual interests, you’re left giving everybody the same delivery. What does this mean? That inevitably some members of the audience will be happier with your speech than others. It’s impossible to please everybody 100%.

As soon as I realized this crucial piece of information, I knew that my speech wasn’t about pleasing others so much as it was about getting out what I had to say. Of course, in giving a speech you still want to be informative on the topic you’re talking about, but I knew that whether I pleased everyone in the audience or no one in the audience, it really didn’t matter. I knew that some people would like what I had to say, and some wouldn’t. The sooner I fully realized this, the sooner I was able to improve my speaking skills.

I knew upfront that all I could do was be authentic in what I had to say and let those who enjoy it enjoy it, and those who chose not to enjoy it didn't have to. I simply gave my best effort when delivering my speech and make sure what I was saying and doing was true to myself and my beliefs. I didn't clutter my thoughts with ways to please specific members of the audience, instead I focused on saying what I had to say. Of course, this is only one example of how basing our decisions and actions around the thoughts of others can slow us down in our personal growth, but I'm sure you can think of quite a few examples currently present in your life that are slowing you down just as much.

Just remember that in thinking freely and for yourself, to do just that and not take it a step further. All too often people will go from simply not letting the thoughts of others bog them down to acting completely irrational and attacking or insulting the character of others. It’s of course fine that I choose to be mentally independent, but if my actions are infringing on the rights of other people then we have a problem. There’s a big difference in not caring about what somebody else thinks of you and just not caring about that person altogether. You don’t go rob someone and then say well, who cares what they think! and then expect that to be that’s consciously acceptable. Realize the impact, whether positive or negative, that your actions will have on others. If your actions continually benefit yourself at the EXPENSE of others then that’s a problem. If somebody chooses to not like your actions then fine, but if the only way you can achieve what you want is by pushing others into the mud then you need to rethink your course of action. In short: live freely but don’t be selfish. Realize the effects your actions are leaving, not only on yourself, but on your environment as a whole.

This is the big money question though, isn’t it? How do you put the thoughts of others behind you and start living the life YOU want to live without constantly worrying about your decisions? I’ve found two exercises that have helped me tremendously in stopping this negative thinking pattern:

Please note that I am in no way shape or form affiliated with the company behind Paraliminals. That being said, what are they, and how can they help you? Paraliminals are pretty easy to use, as all you need is a pair of headphones and 30 minutes spare time. They come in the form of a CD that you listen to while in a relaxed environment, usually laying down. There are quite a few different types available, although for the current situation, helping to deal with what others think of you, the Anxiety-Free Paraliminal is recommended. Upon listening to it, you’ll hear some soothing sounds in both ears as the narrator begins to talk about anxiety and what exactly it is. Continuing with these soothing sounds, you’ll feel yourself falling deeper and deeper into a state of relaxation, and it’s around this time that you’ll begin hearing a different voice in each ear, each one narrating something different to you. It’s by far one of the most unique and interesting things I’ve ever had the pleasure of listening to, and while I’ve never undergone hypnosis, that’s about the best word I can use to explain it. I do perform yoga and a variety of different breathing techniques on a weekly basis; however I’ve never come close to ever feeling this relaxed before.

What’s cool however, is that instead of giving you a temporary boost of energy or mental relief, Paraliminals work by exerting themselves into the long term. That means that when you listen to the anxiety free Paraliminal, instead of giving you a two or three hour boost from your anxiety, it stores itself for long term use. Of course, the actual feeling of relaxation you get while listening to these CD’s is second to none, and that in itself makes it perfect for listening to when you’ve had a long day at work or right before you’re getting ready to go to bed. Even if you don’t actively listen to the narrator, subconsciously your brain is picking up the words and thoughts he’s projecting onto you, which is what really allows them to do what they do.

While there are a multitude of Paraliminals to choose from, I recommend the Anxiety-Free one above all else, as that specific Paraliminal can really help you get set on the road to confidence -- which, once established, can pave the way for your true potential to REALLY roll out.

The second thing, both relaxation techniques and positive thinking techniques, have each really helped me out in terms of overcoming not only anxiety, but even going farther towards the root of the problem and dealing with confidence issues.

Even though they both go hand in hand, each technique is well integrated into yoga, regardless of the style you choose. I find that doing yoga on a regular basis provides more than just a temporary boost in confidence and relaxation, but instead helps me to better channel my moods in a positive direction. Ideally, if you can start each morning with 30 minutes of yoga, and end each night with a 30 minute listening session to a Paraliminal, then you’ll begin to develop a huge increase in your confidence. I’m going to tell you right now: neither of these practices will take effect overnight, although that shouldn’t be your goal anyhow. You want to remove any worries you have about what others think of you permanently, not merely provide yourself with a temporary solution. Anybody can down some alcohol and reach that point, instead you should aim to make this a regular part of your routine.

If you find that yoga isn’t something that you find particularly enjoyable or relaxing, then there are also a couple other substitutes you can use. One of these is deep breathing combined with stretching. While that may sound awfully similar to yoga, yoga focuses a lot on posture and transitioning from one pose to the next, it’s a continuous system of movement where as deep breathing and stretching are not. Spend about 30 minutes working on stretches and breathing techniques, both of which will help to calm your body significantly. Even if stretching isn’t your thing, you can opt to replace that with an easy 30 minute jog or a session of weight training. Even though I personally partake in weight and strength training, I don’t particularly find it to be the most relaxing or enjoyable thing in the world, however I know many people who do.

By giving yourself a mental relaxation each night with the Paraliminal and then starting your day fresh each morning with yoga or some other kind of fitness activity, you WILL feel good about yourself. You’ll feel much more healthy and refreshed throughout the day, and your confidence will begin to skyrocket. When you feel good about yourself then you’ll come to realize that other people really have no reason at all to perceive you in a negative way. Some people spend thousands of dollars talking to a therapist or other type of specialist, or have to take medication each and every day which can cause anything from massive weight gain to feeling sluggish around the clock. The thing is, to be confident and feel good about yourself, you really don’t need ANY of these things, everything you need to be successful is already within yourself. Unfortunately there is no miracle pill that will magically make everything better, however if you actually change your lifestyle and bring out the confidence that’s already locked within, you’ll see you don’t need those things anyways.

Even though it’s one of the most debilitating things you can go through, you CAN learn to live each day without having to care about what others are thinking of you or second-guessing your actions to wonder if others are on board with what you’re doing or not. I know that I literally have everything to succeed in life, and that I don’t need any type of medication or approval of others to do so. Instead of letting the thoughts of others hinder me, I simply push them out of my sight. If somebody approves or is on board with what I’m doing then great, if not then I don’t even give thought to it. At the end of the day just remember this: nobody else can live your life for you or dictate what it is you do. Life seems to zip by so fast, that when we look back we wish we’d taken action instead of wasting our time worrying or dwelling on something that wasn’t even important to begin with. All those people that watched me when I used to give those nervous speeches? I don’t see or keep in touch with any of them, so why would I even put my time and effort into trying to impress them and hope they perceive me a certain way? Even now I can’t help but laugh to myself when I think how I used to worry about impressing somebody I didn’t even know or how I’d get all stressed out because I thought somebody had noticed how anxious I was giving a presentation.

Blaze your own trail and live up to your own successes, not what somebody else wants you to live up to. It doesn’t matter how nervous you get or if somebody else laughs at you along the way, in the end you’ll be glad you found courage when you did and kept true to yourself; something that’s infinitely more rewarding than trying to please any other person.

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