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Learning to Develop Self Respect
This article is about emotionally needy people and people that crave attention. It is not about helping the homeless or those living in poverty. Due to some confusion I wanted to point that out.
It’s probably a safe bet to assume that everyone reading this has at one time or another dealt with a needy person. Often times these needy people are characterized by requiring a substantial amount of attention and devotion in an attempt to satisfy what seems like their most basic needs. Of course, this can present a lot of frustrations for both parties, but more often than not it ends up putting quite the burden on whomever is stuck dealing with this needy person.
What characterizes a needy person though? Is it a craving for attention? For something they don’t have? Do needy people act this way solely because they can get away with it or because they feel they require this attention? Needy people are all of these things and more, many more. The tricky thing about dealing with a needy person is that they come in so many different shapes and sizes that it’s difficult to determine why exactly they’re acting so needy, and why these needy people continue this behavior long after these needs have been met.
When attempting to deal or understand with needy people, we need to focus on two important factors:
Make no mistake, these are both two completely different things. The fuel for any needy person is simply what continues to drive them. Often times you may think your actions are leaving a positive effect on this needy person, when in reality you’re only helping to enable their neediness to begin with. What do I mean by this? Is it really possible that what you’re doing is only serving to help this negative behavior pattern the needy person is developing?
To understand this question, we first need to understand how exactly people’s needs are acted out and achieved. While different needy people will have different needs (as we all do,) one common factor that most needy people share is their need for attention. Often times a craving for attention is what starts this downward spiral to begin with, giving reinforcement to the fact that when these people act immature (needy) they’re able to get what they desire. This leaves an imprint on them, and the next time an event arises where they feel they need something, they repeat this pattern of behavior all over again until they’ve gotten whatever it is that they desire.
Everyone has a level of attention that they require. While it varies for each person, think of this level as being a number you carry. For example, let’s say I need “100 points” worth of attention. Maybe I get 50 points from my spouse, 25 points from friends and neighbors, and the last 25 points from the rest of my family and other miscellaneous acquaintances. Now let’s say my spouse only gives me 25 points of attention instead of 50, this would mean that instead of having a full 100 points, I’m now stuck at only 75 / 100. My social needs have not been fulfilled. Subconsciously, in an attempt to fulfill that last bit social interaction, I may try and make up for it by taking it from friends and family, or maybe by being particularly chatty with new people I meet this week. While it seems harmless on the outside, this is exactly what dictates “neediness” as we know it, and this lack of attention from key individuals in a person’s life will continue to affect them until that balance is achieved.
Most "needy" people come in one of two types:
The type who continually complains and whines because they’re never happy, this person always sees the negative in something and can rarely find joy in what they do. They’ll continue to nitpick something until they find a problem with it, always taking advantage of their whininess to get what they want.
The second person is the type who still needs attention from others, but of a different type. This is the type of person who in public is often loud and boisterous, or the type of person you find flirting or being sexual with a wide variety of others. These people you can easily distinguish as not having received enough attention at home because they now find they have to achieve it out in public. This is almost a coping mechanism for these types of people, as they’ve grown so accustomed to relying on the attention of outside sources to deal with their lack of attention at home, that this behavior seems normal to them.
The first step is stopping this negative behavior pattern is to stop fueling the fire that keeps them going. In order to do that though, we must be able to effectively determine what it is that’s fueling them to begin with. Since many needy people often try and disguise their neediness as having a real and present reason or objective, simply asking them why they’re such a needy person is generally out of the question. What’s the good news though? That it really doesn’t matter what type of needy person you’re up against, cutting off the fuel to the fire can be achieved for each one. Whether the person complains because their dinner is constantly cooked and prepared wrong, or whether the person finds it suitable to flirt with others every time you’re out in public; the solution still remains the same. Stop paying attention to their needs and wants.
But how can that work? Aren’t needy people needy because they don’t get enough attention to begin with? Yes, they are. That being said, needy people lack one fundamental characteristic that most non-needy people possess: the ability to provide for themselves. It doesn’t matter what form, whether it’s providing their own happiness or providing their own emotional stability, needy people have a huge reliance on others to fulfill that lack of attention they face. Instead of effectively fixing the problem, needy people rely on others as a temporary fix, a day to day solution that never completely cures it. What do I mean by this? Needy people continue their behavior each day, they don’t simply go a day or a week acting needy and then all of a sudden their neediness is gone and they can return to their normal selves, rather they require this fix of attention each and every day to progress themselves.
Once you’ve determined that someone is indeed needy and stopped giving them attention when they try and seek it through acting that way, the next logical question is how this person is supposed to progress out of this stage. If they lack attention, and you’re cutting out even more of that attention to begin with, how are they supposed to get anywhere? Won’t that only make their neediness worse than what it previously was? Yes and no.
By doing this, you’re essentially doing two different things at once; both freeing yourself of the other person’s needs, and letting them know that their behavior is not an effective way of fulfilling these needs to begin with. What you must realize is, unless this needy person seeks out help themselves, there’s only so much you can do for them. If you lack the power to completely eradicate their neediness altogether, you can at least make it so you’re not further enabling it. Each time someone gives in to the neediness of another person, it further enables and stimulates that trait. This person feels like their actions are indeed getting them what they need, and thus they continue acting this way, often devoid of how negative their actions are to begin with.
We now know that by continuing to give in and express attention towards these needy people that all we’re doing is fueling the fire that drives them. We’re not helping them get over their lack of attention one bit, instead we’re simply acknowledging that this behavior is acceptable and allowed, which it certainly isn’t. Your first priority, freeing yourself from the grip of these people, should now be accomplished. You’ve successfully done your part in stopping their neediness and freed yourself from their grasp. Now what though? Is there any way you can help this person?
Remember what I said above about each person having a “number” that represents the attention level they require? How they must actively seek to reach this level through a multitude of outlets, and if they fail to achieve this level, they in turn become “needy” individuals? In order to stop this neediness in its tracks, reducing this number is something that must be achieved. Those being said, don’t think of this as a “number,” but rather a percentage. For example, you may get 50% of your attention from your spouse, 25% from friends, and 25% from coworkers and neighbors. A needy person is only able to hit around 50%-75% of this, thus making them the way they are.
In order to actually fix this, the root of the problem must be dealt with: their dependence on others for happiness or emotional stability. These people must be weaned off of others and in turn start providing for themselves. Whether it’s happiness, sexual attention, or simply getting others to acknowledge them; needy people must learn to fulfill this gap in attention with their own self. Unfortunately there is only so much you can do in this department, and if you’ve stopping fueling their fire, the last thing you can do in an attempt to help these people is expose them to challenges you think can boost their self confidence. While I could write a whole book exploring the variety of reasons people end up lacking attention and turning to neediness for an answer, one common reason is their lack of confidence within themselves. Even if this seems odd at first, it's still an avenue worth pursuing. That being said, while it may be difficult to detect, people who are unable to provide themselves with their own attention, happiness, and entertainment, usually lack some form of confidences in themselves and therefore require others to do these things for them.
What do I mean by presenting them with challenges? When their neediness arises, find ways for them to solve it themselves instead of you or another individual always having to step in. Whether it’s constant attention from the opposite sex (flirting) or whether it’s a constant whining about there never being any food in the house, these needy people need to effectively confront these issues as a challenge, engaging them and defeating them.
As I’ve said many times, if the needy person doesn’t want to change their behavior, then there’s very little you can actually do. Stop giving in to their demands and fueling their neediness and if plausible, help turn their constant whining and unhappiness into a challenge for them. Expose them to the rewards they face when they’ve actually overcome something themselves. I realize this sounds much easier said than done, but if you have a strong desire to not just remove yourself from the needy person, but to actually help them overcome this plaguing issue, this is your best chance at doing so.
I hope everyone’s enjoyed this article, and while as long as people continue to exist needy people will also continue to exist; hopefully now when confronting and dealing with these people you can at least be more aware of what you’re up against and what your options are for stopping this cycle.
Top Photo: credit
Comments
Damn, i am a very needy person, my wife filed for divorve because of my sef centeredness and needy behavior, we got less than 2 months until its final,i want to change this damaging behavoir badly, i pray and look for wisdom from god for this as well as doing research, goodluck to all who recognize this bad trait, KC...
KC, I wish you the best in overcoming that behavior; hopefully you can turn it around in time and still save your marriage.
I am currently having similar issues such as these with myself, but I've found the hardest part is actually admitting I'm a needy person. Now that I've realized I am indeed a needy person... I'm trying to consciously fix that. thanks for the info
I too am a needy person, and I see that if affects much more than just my relationships. It started out with only affecting my girlfriend, but now it seems to have taken over my whole life. Family, friends, and everyone around me notices how needy I am.
I too am a needy guy who appears to be losing his marriage. We have not yet filed for divorce but we have been separated for about two months. I have admitted to myself and others that I am needy but do not know how to deal with it. I am not sure how to improve myself. KC good luck I hope it all works out for you. My wife and I do not even communicate. KAC
I read this article because I am dealing with a needy person and truly care about them and their feelings. This person has become emotionally draining to me due to their constant need of companionship. They can be whiney at times, but for the most part seems desperate for attention. They have to explain in detail (too much detail) every problem in their life and brag about being better than others. When these actions are ignored they turn to interrupting people or even crying tantrums in order to get attention. I met this person because they were crying and felt like I should comfort them. Now I realize that the crying was out of desperation. Should I continue this relationship or does anyone have advise on how to confront this situation/person? Good luck to all and thanks for posting this article.
The most difficult thing about needy people, in my opinion, is their constant need for attention. They can't ever be left alone as they constantly need reinforcement from others to keep them happy; and anybody who relies on others for happiness is going to have serious issues down the road.
Even though I'm sure you've already done so, I think you and this person should have a serious discussion about the issues at hand, and if they can't get over themselves I think moving on is your strongest option. Not that it's necessarily easy, but the last thing you want is somebody bogging you down because they have attention issues they haven't learned to deal with.
Since it can be especially difficult to bring issues like this to light with certain people, I would begin by addressing ways in which this individual's behavior is hurting THEMSELVES, and then move on to how it's affecting you. This way they can see both sides of the spectrum and see the impact their actions are leaving.
Finally, most needy people have self-confidence problems, and that can form a strong root to their neediness. If you're not having much luck just talking to this person, then you need to start looking for ways to increase their self confidence. Neediness often stems directly from that, and if they have to brag about their superiority to feel good about themselves then chances are high that confidence issues are forming the real root of their problem. Goodluck with everything though, as neediness is an issue that's never easy to fix.
To be needy isn't the way to be. Actually, you could be a needy person that needs another needy person, which I am and trying to avoid through therapy. But how needy do we need to be is the real question. We need food, but how much? We need companionship but how much and to what extent will we go to get it when the other person doen't give us as much? I feel a balanced approached is required: learn that you can do well without others, not be needy, and help others to realize they can do the same; build confidence is both.
I have been working with a woman that is in an abusive relationship and your knowledge on the subject is superb. I have given her challenges and praised her when she accomplishes something on her own. She refuses to try many times to do things for herself like driving to the store. She has a co-dependency on an alcoholic disabled boyfriend. She keeps taking him back once he has verbally attacked her and goes off on a binge. I am at my whits end and now it's time for me to stop and quit enabling her. She is in the driver's seat and truly she doesn't want to change. I was like her substitute friend while her boyfriend was gone on a binge and now he is back. There is a fine line between helping somebody and enabling them. It's time to step back and let her go.
I have done for her the best that I can and given her the tools to things for herself if she wants to do so.
We are talking about a woman in her 60's that should have enough confidence and dignity to move forward in a positive light. I am a very confident self sufficent married woman and helping her is not helpful in my positive life. A woman like her drains all your energy and enthusiasm. Thank you for this wonderful article and it was truly helpful.
I can relate to your feeling, I'm needy myself, and I'm trying to overcome it. The best thing to do is find activities that make you happy and enjoy doing them, this would take away alittle bit of your needy ways, and you will start to feel better about yourself.
Whether you're a needy person or not, at least you're consciously aware of your actions. Like you said, finding activities to do that boost your self-esteem and allow you to open up the doors to explore your boundaries will definitely help. Once you realize you DON'T need others to make you happy, the possibilities are limitless.
i have a needy person who i need advice with. my girlfriend is very needy im guessing from the life she lives at home. her parents dont talk to her and she doesnt want to talk to them either. she is constantly trying to fight with me over anything she can. and i mean anything. she'll get on my case about texting other people in front of her when nothing is happening and were just sitting and shes occupied with something else, all the way to constantly questioning wether i even care because i try to explain im going to fight with her until she can talk to me in atleast a respectible way. i love this girl to death! please help.
Run, don't walk, in the other direction.
I have been with my bf for 12 years. We both lack self confidence and therefore are both needy. We feed off each others whining and hunger for constant affirmation. I have reciently felt the freedom of not having a needy person sucking the life out of me(when we broke up for a while). Everyone noticed the life come back into me and now that we are back together Ive been told its leaving me again. Im struggling bc I love him and want to stay with him but dont want to loose myself.
I found the article very helpful and will try what it says.
"fighting for my heart" JOJO
It's my mom. She's a super duper needy person; she always has been. And now that her hip is deteriorating, I'm afraid that she now subconsciously feels that she has an excuse to behave this way. Of course I love her, but she's driving me up the friggin' wall with her constant whining. She's 59 and I don't see her changing at this point. I figure, if she hasn't learned by now- she'll never learn. The worst part about all this is that I live with her. Now before you jump to conclusions, I DO want to move out, but I can't right now because I'm unemployed, haven't been able to find a job, and the job market isn't looking any better here in Northern California. I feel stuck. Now I don't mind doing the laundry, cooking, cleaning, and whatever else needs to be done around the house since she's the only source of income for us both. It's only logical that I carry my own weight and hers in chores. It's the least I could do. HOWEVER (even before her hip went out) she's always asking me to do stuff. A million annoying little tasks that she could easily do for herself. It's like once she's on her bed she wants me to bring her everything. For example: find her remote (2ft away from her), bring her some water (a few smalls steps to the kitchen from her room), and a billion other mundane little nothings that she could just do herself! I swear, she acts like a great big baby and I know it's not all due to her physical condition, because the inflection in her voice changes whenever she asks me to do something. Get's all whiny and babyish. I can't stand it! I can't wait to move out. It's really making me hate her guts! She's always looking for affirmation of my concern for her. It just gets on my damn nerves! Before her hip went out, she was always "getting sick"- not really sick, but just another one of her make believe tactics that she uses to make herself feel "cared for". Right now she's doing it again. I guess that's why I'm so upset at the moment. GRRRR! She even demanded today that I cut my hair, because she "really can't stand it to be this long". WTF??!?!I wish I could just hit the lotto and send her away to a home!!
My needy parent likes to be in control of others like he is God. I hate it because I am an introvert and an adult. I can decide for myself what is right and what is wrong. Only I don't want to tell him directly, because it will always backfire on me.
I married the same type of husband. He and I are not together. I have to take my life back. Even God gives us free-will. Why can't these controlling people do the same.
I will not let others be my conscience. I already have a good one. I also avoid needy people. They destroy your spirit and give you low self-esteem.
I would rather make my own decisions and let them talk me behind my back. It can't do me any harm, when it is not true. I wish they would spend time controlling their own lives instead of mine!
I think they do this because I am a docile person who has a bright future ahead of me. They want to perfect me into their best selves, and I refuse to comply.
I can't completely get rid of them because of familial obligations.
I am in the same boat as you. I have found out that mine has Borderline Personality Disorder. I realize that because he can't love me, nor be consistent with me, I should leave him alone. We live together on different levels of our home, but are not in a relationship. We only share in the care of our children.
I don't ever let him get to me anymore, although living together does still drain me somewhat. It is not the same as allowing a lover to demean me throughout our relationship. That would drive me crazy. That is why I opted out of the relationship. If he gets real lasting help, I may go back, but not likely to happen.
There are lots of natural ways to regulate mood and depression disorders.
i am also a needy person. i'm always trying to make people laugh. i interrupt people when they are trying to tell a story so i can tell mine. i do things for others so that i can get a "job well done" or/and "you are so sweet". if i am not recognized i get so hurt and depressed. i'm just realizing that this is a problem for me. i hope i am able to help myself and stop myself when i am acting out in a needy way.
That is good. I am impressed that you can admit that to yourself. You are stronger than me.
I am dealing with a similar situation. I am or shall I say, I was dealing with a needy person. I've know a woman for a couple of months. I grew on her chidlren. I have been watching her childen for her, but she seems to be so ungrateful. She would rather I be around her all the time, I can't deal with that. It has gotten to be so much that it drained me.
She sounds like my grandma who fits all the requirements of having a personality disorder. And my co-worker. She needs people to think she is wonderful all teh time, and will cut you down, throw you under the bus and bad mouth you if you don't.
Check this out and see if any applies. (Especially histrinic, narcassistic and dependent)
as a foster mom not all the training you get helps you in taking in children. I have a child right now that i am not sure if we are a good fit. He is always loud and to get you to shut up he yells or states loudly BOB don't know why but if you interrupt him then he is offended. His mother hides in her room lets him run through the house it is so hard because I have never in my life seen someone like this any advise or suggestions?
This is quite helpful. I have a friend who has nobody else but me to rely on which is very draining. His family all live far away and he rejects virtually everyone else he comes across or meets in daily life as 'idiots' or says they don't like him. He wants everything he does to involve me, and wants to be involved in everything I do. We used to have fun doing things together but now it's at the stage where I just can't give him the constant attention he wants.
He emails me all day at work, then sends me text messages and emails every night about the most pointless things, like he just can't keep a thought in his head without telling me about it. He resents me being with other people and from time to time will just break down and cry saying that no-one cares about him, which is very frustrating considering the amount of time I spend trying to accommodate him and his constant need for attention.
What I worry about is that if I try to distance myself from him he just gets upset and disappears inside himself. He has other friends but they live far away and he ignores their offers of help anyway. He's recently started self-harming but refuses to talk about it or get any help. He says that he doesn't want to complain to people and therefore won't get counselling, but what he doesn't understand is that he DOES whine and complain, only he's doing it to me rather than a professional or someone that can really help him.
That's a tough situation to be in, because on one hand you want to help your friend, but on the other hand, you can't let such a person pull you down like that. It's obvious he's latching onto you because he has nobody else in his life (hence he's using you as an outlet to get ALL his attention from) but that's not a very healthy situation for him OR you.
I don't know how close you two are, but it's going to be awfully difficult for this person to get help from others (you) unless they learn to help themselves first. It sounds like he's passed the point of having temporary depression or being caught in a slump, and has moved onto the road of physical harm. The problem with people like that is, they have nothing positive to channel their energy into. No projects or goals that they can use to develop themselves. They just sort of drift along and act as a drain on those around them; waking up and going through the same motions day after day.
While this probably isn't NEW news, associating with people like that will certainly bring you down. It's one thing if you can just shrug it off, but when somebody else is consistently raining on your parade, it may be time to shake them loose. As to how you choose to go about such a thing is entirely up to you, but if this individual is slowing down YOUR life, it's time to end a relationship like that. It's obvious you want to help this friend, but you have to decide when enough is enough. If they aren't even going to try and better their situation, it's time to pack up and move along. You'll be happier you did.
I find myself greatly annoyed by this friend of two years, who I'm only now realizing is quite needy. She talks A LOT and over-explains everything. We're also co-workers, and I am irritated how she uses instant messages to reach out, so I'm going to turn this program off! I'm trying to get all negative people out of life so I can be free, but she just won't take a hint. I may have to write her a polite note explaining that I have no time in my life because of private family matters. Boundaries mean nothing to her.
im in the exact same boat. my friend is also very overweight and im her only friend. but she is interupting, shell lay random guilt trips down, and she won't let me be with anyone else, and shes never away from me. i kid you not, right now im in my closet so that i can be away from her! if youve gotten help, plz let me know!!!!!! 8(
Hi,
I'm trying very hard not to completely cut off a friend of mine. I'm married. He's going thru a divorce. He chose to leave his marriage but he hates being alone. We used to date before we married other people, but we remained friends. Now, he's really pulling on me. He texts me all the time, calls me at work and on my cell all the time. He's never been disrespectful but lately he's been "making room" for me at his place. We have not been intimate at all but I feel like he will make an advance soon because he's not sexually active at this point. He's been really depressive and all he talks about is begin grateful for having me in his life during this time. He feels unloved and used as a result of his failed marriage. I feel empathy for him but I've actually said that I can't fill the void. I can only be his friend. I don't know what else to do. HELP!!!!
Gosh if my husband were reading this he'd be laughing as he considers me extremely need. I LOVE attention from my friends, but I bestow just as much upon them selflessly! I love to give and receive, and most of all interact with people. Receiving without giving any into a relationship, I think, is the key in considering a bad needy person from a harmless one....(I am the latter of course ;))!
Good article. Very thorough, Travis!
I recently ended a very long friendship with a needy person. The strange thing is that I have always had many friends that I could talk to. In the last few years I have had many life altering situations happen. I became very close to this person because I felt that I needed someone to confide in. I think I have needy tendencies as well and we were negatively affecting each other. I tried to distance myself because I realized that was not normal. This person would get jealous if I had other friends. I felt forced to have to call everyday so she wouldn't feel that something was wrong. There were days when I just wanted to be left alone, yet felt guilty if I didn't share my feelings. In the end I felt like I had to hide things from her for fear that she would get upset. It was unhealthy and it needed to stop. Problem is I recognized there was problem, but I don't think she thinks there was anything wrong with her.
I can identify with jusst about everyone's comments on this webpage. I guess in some ways I have learned not to be so dependant on others b/c in the past I have only become hurt or dissapointed in return due to unfulfillment of expectations. Since then, I have learned to do things for myself, and I feel I'm stronger for it.
Right now, I'm trying to learn how do deal with a neighbor who is single, has lost her job, and appears to display very needy tendencies. She doesn't really complain - it's just that she seems to monopolize alot of my time. I'm currently in school, taking care of two kids and husband is away on business. I just don't have the time to give her. Yet I feel bad when I have to reject her. She still keeps coming at me, and I don't know how to tell her to just back off. Often, I don't even get to see the people I truly enjoy just due to being busy. When I do give her my time, I end up getting Pi_ _ ed b/c I've lost time from something else I was supposed to do. I often feel emotionally drained after interactions with her, like whatever good feelings I had before were sucked out of me. Don't get me wrong, I do make time to spend with others (most goes to my family and school). This person seems to just CONSTANTLY want my attention and I don't know how to make a clean break.. after all, she's my next- door neighbor, there's no escape!
Any advice???
Lockdown, I can relate pretty well to your dilemma, as I used to have a neighbor myself who acted the EXACT same way. She'd constantly find a way to come running over, and it eventually got so bad that even making a trip down to grab the mail or bringing in the groceries could spur an "encounter" with her. Why she wasn't necessarily a negative person, she just required an extreme amount of attention to be happy with herself.
Unfortunately, the only way things are going to get better is if you DO reject her. She obviously hasn't picked up on the hint that you lead an extremely busy life, and although it makes you feel guilty as you say, that's the only way you're going to get your point across. You don't have to be mean or nasty with anyone, but the next time she tries to make plans or get together, you have to let her know just how busy you are and that you really don't have the time at the moment. This also provides the added benefit of making the next time you DO see this person all the more enjoyable. Who knows, maybe only seeing her on occasion instead of her constantly hounding you could be a decent experience. Regardless, I'd nip this in the bud sooner than later, because at the rate you're going, it seems like she's only slowly draining the energy out of you day after day.
Goodluck.
Travis,
Thank you so much for your response. My cousin and I were talking about this situation last night over the phone, and she asked me..."Have you seen the movie,'What About Bob'?" And I told her that was the same exact thing I was thinking all day. So we busted out laughing. I told her that this is My "Bob" story.
I couldn't agree with you more, that if she'd just gave me space, I'd like her more... she's just trying too hard, I guess. But I have to do what I have to do. I've come way to far to be where I am right now at this moment in time.
(Quick note: I also had that scenario in where I was going to the mailbox.. and yes.. the encounter happened. Just as it does every time I get into my car to go somewhere. That's why I'm on Lockdown.)
Thanks Again :)
I am trying to deal with a needy student that I supervise. The situation is tricky because I am a student myself (though a graduate student but still not in a position of authority to really take action against him). He is needy in both of the ways that have been described. Not only does he complain about everything he constantly needs attention. He is a self-proclaimed super star student. All he talks about is his awards and accolades. Meanwhile, I have to deal with him when he gets stressed out about the research project we work on together and pick up the pieces when he is unable to do the work. I have grown so frustrated with him that I can hardly stand being in his presence. Mostly I think it is because of his constant self-praising and need of praise. But the fact that I have to do work for him is not a plus either. I feel like if I were in my advisor's shoes I could just give him the boot and tell him why. However, I have told my advisor about his personality...yet I still have to work with him. If this continues I might explode.
AWI (at wits end)
This article really hit home with me. I've been married to a needy man for nearly 5 years and it has really taken it's toll on me mentally and physically. When we got married I already had 2 children from a previous marriage and he had never been married and didn't have any children. We have since had a child together. Our marriage has been fueled with arguments and issues because he hasn't been able to get 100% of my attention and time and did I mention that besides the 3 kids I work fulltime. Two years ago he took a job in another state I guess as a way to pay me back because he wasn't getting enough of my attention. Since then things have only gotten worse because now I deal with all of the responsibilities during the week by myself and when my husband returns on the weekends his neediness has only intensified because he hasn't received attention during the week.
I no longer can spend time with friends and family without fear of tantrums and even spending time alone is a nightmare because my husband has been known on many occasions to act out in front of others.
I have tried to get out of this marriage on two occasions but the drama and aftermath made me fearful. We have been to several counselors who have suggested that he finds outlets which he can't seem to succesfully do. The counselors have also picked up on his lack of confidence as the author pointed out occurs in needy invididuals.
Being married to a needy individual is something that I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy. Over the last few months I've begun to ignore the tantrums and not give in to the drama when I've tried to live my life and care for my children. This has been helping my sanity and I can only hope and pray that my situation will one day get better.
Screw that person! I have an emotionally needy roommate (a guy!) and his neediness and selfishness have pushed me to the point of "fuck you." He has no respect for me as a roommate. All he cares about is feeding his emotional needs by doing things like getting a dog (a huge dog!) without telling me, having different girls over all of the time, and now that he's finally dating one girl (who doesn't trust him 'cause she knows that he has cheated on her) he gave her the key to our apartment, not only without talking to me about it, he did it after I TOLD HIM THAT I WAS NOT OK WITH IT! You see, these emotionally needy people are not deserving of the attention they supposedly "need." They are quite often self-centered and then when they do things (as my pathetic roommate has done!) that are completely disrespectful to others around them, in an attempt to feed their "needs," they have the audacity to victimize themselves as though they have done nothing at all. And that's when they deserve a great, big "FUCK YOU."
I never realized that my husband is a very needy person until our son spoke up and said it. After reading this OMG it is true. All these years I have been enabling him without realizing it. Our son has repeatedly told me to tell him NO and to stop do for him but let him do for himself. It is not always easy to divide the line in being a spouse or a crutch. It has taken a long time for me to realize this and will take sometime so he can do for himself and make decisions on his own without him running to me constantly. Examples of his neediness are: won't ever go to Dr. appt. without me or I have to put in his work orders for his job or ask me to call in to his employer to let them know he is sick or here is a good one he'll call me when I am away from home to call 911 for an emergency because he does not like talking on the phone. The last 3 I have refused to do as I believe that it makes not sense for me to make those calls or do his job or make a 911 call when I am not there to know what is going on.We have gotten in arguments because of my refusal to fulfill his requests. Until my son said this to me I was beginning to believe I was my husband's MOTHER not his wife. Note he was raised by his grandparents as mother was too busy with boyfriends to be concerned with her sons.
I have a friend whom is 16 years older than me, but incredibly high-maintenance and needy. Everything he lacks in life that he says he wants such as a better financial situation, a relationship, better health, and have more free time, he substitutes with material goods; almost to an excess.
However, he refuses to implement any change(s) or plan(s) to get where he wants to be in life. Socially he's an extrovert and craves attention and companionship. For some reason, he won't make new friends, using his self-induced busy schedule as an excuse (and as an excuse for most other things).
He attached himself to me, partly because I'm usually "available". I quickly learned not to enable him, but when he does not reach me (home phone, cell phone, email, text message), he seems to go into "panic mode".
I have limited my exposure to him to once a week for dinner and phone calls about every two, sometimes three, days (I'd love to go longer eventually.
Since I am the crutch for him, I need to find a way out, I think. He's become better, a little, but still way too dependent on me for his social needs. I'm just not sure how to sever ties as talking to him hasn't worked before and cold turkey caused him to really panic.
If I have another conversation, it's not like he'd "get it" or understand because he thinks he's doing nothing wrong and will deny being high-maintenance. I have no idea what to do short of moving and changing all contact info.
Neediness is such a prevalent trait and quite difficult, and stressful, to deal with when you're the polar opposite.
I've read this page a few times before - one of the more useful and comprehensive sites out there on the subject of 'needy friends'. Thank you!
I am having troubles dealing with my distanced but still needy friend as we are both at the same workplace for the next 2 years.
I use to live with the friend (roommate) for a year and a half. We were good friends and coworkers before that. When I first met her, she was in a stable relationship. That fell apart - to protect her identity, I won't give details, but there was some self-destructive behaviour involving unsafe sex with many partners, and the death of a parent with a divorced family that relied on her to provide palliative care and make funeral arrangements. Family is dysfunctional on both sides.
Because of all this, I decided to give my poor friend whatever I could to help - paid bills, made time, provided support, and consented to her physical needs (constant hugs and 'cuddling') despite not being overly thrilled as to how comfortable she became with these 'temporary' measures.
The crisis has since died down but the neediness has remained. I got her to see a counsellor, and I moved out (my new relationship with my partner caused considerable jealousy). Unfortunately, we still have to work together (I switched departments partly to make more space). For a year or so I have REALLY distanced myself - I haven't even gone for coffee with her one-on-one for 6 months. But because of the social nature of our workplace, she is at every function I'm at (she even comes uninvited/volunteers to help at our dept's events) and uses these opportunities to align herself with me. Because we have been associated as 'best friends' among our coworkers, she sees herself as entitled to EVERYTHING I have - friendships, conversations, party invites, you name it. She has a real desperation to be 'included' in the 'group', and I feel she takes advantage of my (relative) social standing.
I've run out of sympathy, which makes me feel like a JERK. She's betrayed me on several occasions (personally and professionally) and her weird social behaviours put strain on virtually all of my relationships (esp. professional ones) as she muscles her way into the middle. I don't want to give her reason to resume active dialogue with me, but I do want to make it clear I need more space. If I give her an inch, she still takes a mile. She doesn't respect my boundaries, my preferences, nothing.
How do I keep from snapping?! More avoidance? It's been more than a year of it, and she still clings MUCH too close for comfort. To make matters worse, I've become quite hypersensitive to her presence.
A few trustworthy mutual friends/coworkers know my needs, but that hasn't seemed to help. I do get to go places with joint friends on the sly, but I worry about how devastated she'd be if she caught wind of it (and how much more desperate to not be 'left out' next time!). I'm MOST worried about my profession - I do not wish to be associated with her. I would like to be judged independently on my contributions to the company and not have everything appear as a joint effort. She makes it appear that she's part of any good idea/venture I've had (but NEVER the opposite! Some friend!). Tired of her taking my credit, and worse, of me being associated with her (poor) performance. After a year, some people still think we live together. I'm not surprised - she's probably not correcting the misinformation.
I feel totally trapped. Any suggestions are more than welcome!!! Thank you!
This is a brilliant article and certainly the most useful I have been able to find online.
My husband and I were together for 8 years before we married last year. We have always gotten along 99% of the time, a real blessing, the other 1% can be just horrific at times.
I recognised a while back that he was a needy person, some of it attributed to his upbringing. At one point early on I simply shut the door on him, I was young and didn't need such a burden of a person in my life. Being super sensitive he cried and cried and said he was willing to do anything not to lose me. So I gave it a second chance. Years later he would recount how cold and insensitive I was back then.
It has been a full time job supporting him in becoming less needy. With his trust and respect I helped him gain more confidence in himself, encouraging him to be independent, for I had learnt from a young age that you need to be able to 'provide for yourself'.
At times I felt like I was his mother, because he would unknowingly force this role upon me. It was very hard no to give into his neediness when he was crying and trying to make me feel guilty or blame me for all sorts of things. Instinctively I just felt it would make things worst, like feeding the behaviour, so I am glad to hear I was doing the right thing. I am at a stage now where I feel 'comforting' him would be so much easier...Thank you, you are helping me to stand my ground!
Helping these people can be quite a commitment, and you have to be ready for it. Otherwise, a line needs to be drawn at some point. Unfortunately the task is not so easy when the needy person is family. I guess if you have no choice but to exist with these people, you simply have to create a balance for yourself. Neediness is insatiable, you will lose yourself.
It wasn't easy at all and took many years to get him to a stage where he less clingy.
We planned together things for him to do, tasks where he would have to fend for himself in different situations, different countries. I was always there for support, but always let him go through his own trial and error. I would point out all his strengths reminding him how he was able to do this or that, without over-inflating his ego, or allowing him to become conceited.
He still suffers from bouts of low self confidence, and easily slips back into insecurity when something hasn't worked out for him. Sadly for me I am starting to feel the strain...
What do you do when a needy person is going through a genuine crisis?
My mother in law is the neediest person I have ever known. She has trouble dealing with the smallest problems, but now she has a big problem: cancer.
She treats her son (my husband) like he is HER husband because she doesn't get along with her own. No matter how we have tried to help her in the past, it is never enough.
Now, she might have cancer, and we can't just say, "well, it's your problem , not ours."
What do you do when a needy person has a real problem which requires real support, without driving yourself crazy in the process?
I have been needy and have been around needy people. I lacked self-confidence and the closeness it took to have real friends while living in a foreign country. I was a drain on my friends and did not realize that it was only me who could pull myself out of it. Now that I have gone through major therapy and figured out what the problem was, I am so aware of other people's neediness.
I have a lot of patience. Because of this, I have, in the past, attracted lots of needy people and thought that because I had felt lonely at times, I needed to take care of others. I have finally had a saturation point when I met a new boyfriend who acted like a needy, clingy conditionally loving little boy. It did not take me long to break free of this and apparently I was the one over reacting because I could not breathe. I now run from overly needy, clingy people. It's like a life raft. They will take you down if it means that they can somehow fulfill their need for whatever it is, money, love, sex. If you do not fulfill their "needs", they will just go elsewhere and find another person to suck the life out of.
I have been divorced for 2 years now. It took me a year alone, to start to see I had a problem. Now two years into singleness, I still get upset when people don't make me the center of their attention when I want attention. My Ex told me the other day again, that I was soo needy throughout the marriage.
We needy people are not evil, we think we are normal. We're not, and that's where the disconnect begins. I for one never learned to self sooth, or give attention to myself. Now, at 42- I am starting to understand my faults.
How??? How??? Everybody wants to know what to do to help the needy person. Tell them they are too f****** needy. Make a distance. If you a care about them, show them this very blog!!! This was a real eye opener for me. It looks like a mirror to my personality. If the person is in reasonably sane mental condition, and if you are able to let them see themselves in the mirror as others see them, and they feel real consequences, they might come to realize that their behavior is not helpful to anyone in the long run.
In marriage and dating I was way too clingy, I thought it was normal, I am still not ready for a relationship, I know I would be way too clingy and fearful. Yes, it also boils down to self-confidence, unfortunately- I still don't know how to improve that to the point where I could trust my mate is not out there cheating.
I have tried therapy, but for me reading blogs like this and reflecting quietly alone seems to be great for my condition.
In addition I recommend that needy people also read the and print and re read This Article
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