What is jealousy? Is it just a series of negative emotions and mental states, or is it more than that? Is jealousy really as threatening to a relationship as everybody says it is? Can jealousy harm your health? Are you suffering from jealousy? How do you know if you're actually jealous? Is there a way to escape or overcome it?

Most of those questions can be answered with yes, and jealousy certainly can be overcome, however doing so will require you getting past some tough mental blocks that we all give in to from time to time. If jealousy could simply be wished away, then it would cease to be the major issue that it is for so many individuals. While it’s not going to come overnight, relieving yourself of jealous thoughts certainly is a rewarding experience in its own. If jealousy is something you currently suffer from, ultimately you owe it to yourself to free your mind of this anchor, increasing both self-esteem and making you a more confident individual in the process.

But what is jealousy? Is it just a fear or dislike of something? Is it a characteristic of mistrust or envy? Yes and no. Jealousy is partly comprised of those things, but in itself, jealousy is so much more. To be jealous represents a state of:

• anxiety
• dislike
• fear
• mistrust
• insecurity
• negativity
• sadness
• anger
• disgust

and can even manifest itself into hatred. Quite the list of emotions! Jealousy is definitely not something we want coming into our lives; but if we’re consciously aware of what jealousy is, then why does it take hold of so many people?

To answer that question means finding out what the root problem of jealousy is. If you look closely at the negative emotions that makeup jealousy, you can start to see a clear path of how they all connect and where they begin to intertwine.

Anxiety & Dislike >>>> Fear
Fear >>>> Mistrust & Insecurity
Mistrust & Insecurity >>>> Depression & Negativity
Depression & Negativity >>>> Anger & Disgust

And on rare occasions:

Anger & Disgust >>>> Hatred

So what is the root of jealousy, what initially causes this anxiety and dislike towards another person or group of individuals? Lack of confidence. That’s right, a lack of confidence forms the root of jealousy, quickly escalating from anxiety to full blown anger. For a lot of people this isn’t always obvious at first, and it can be easy to think of jealousy forming due to a number of other reasons. Regardless of how bad your jealousy is, try and remember the initial thing that caused it, the root problem to it. Eventually, it’ll come down to an event or action where you felt you had lost control in some way, shape, or form. Maybe your spouse started talking to another individual you didn’t particularly like, and suddenly you develop a surge of animosity towards that person for no particular reason.

You feel as if you have no control (which you don’t) in which to stop your spouse from talking to this other person. Instead of letting it be, that lack of confidence turns into anxiety as you start to think about certain things this other person has that you don’t. Consciously, it may not seem this way, and you may simply write it off as “I don’t like this person because of the manner in which they’re talking to my spouse,” but subconsciously, you feel threatened in some way or form by this person. This can range from an infinite number of things, from feeling like they’re better looking than you to feeling that they may be more successful in their career than you. Ultimately, it comes down to a characteristic or trait that this person possesses that you feel is somehow dominant to your own. With that being said, be sure not to confuse a real sense of jealousy with a real sense of dislike.

As we now know, jealousy stems from a lack of self-confidence and an overall feeling that you’ve lost control of the situation. Not only are you no longer dominant within the given situation, but you carry no influence in its outcome either. But what if someone genuinely does something negative towards you, an attack on your character for example? What if instead of your spouse just talking to the other person, you find out they’ve been sleeping with them? Does that not warrant a reason to extend your dislike, anger, and disgust towards this other person? While ultimately the blame would fall onto the shoulders of your spouse, actions like this, actions which violate you personally, by all means give you a right to dislike the other party. This is important to know because often times whenever a person harbors resentment towards another, people are quick to assume this person is now in the jealousy box. Keep in mind the differences between the two, because while jealousy causes animosity due to your own confidence issues and shortcomings, disliking someone when they’ve attacked your character or violated you personally is a completely separate issue.

Now that we can properly identify what’s real jealousy and what’s not, and we have an understanding of where it stems from, how do we go about removing it? Removing jealousy is no simple matter, and while in theory it sounds easy and straightforward, in practice it’s much more difficult than it seems. That isn’t meant to discourage anyone, but I’d rather have people well informed than pump their head up full of air only to watch them fall short of their achievement; exactly what overcoming jealousy is. It’s not going to happen overnight, but as it slowly lifts itself from you, the burden you’ll have removed is enormous. Not only does getting rid of jealousy alleviate the current situation that’s causing the jealousy to begin with, but it also makes you much more confident as a whole.

So how do you go about removing jealousy? The first step is building confidence in yourself and realizing what you have. It may take some thought, but you need to be able to effectively determine what it is that you’re jealous about. Obviously you have a target, some other person who you feel is supreme to you in one way or another, and now you need to know what these areas are. Is the person better looking than you? Are they more financially secure than you? Are they funnier than you? Does a person you desire give them more attention than you? Whatever the reason(s), you need to make sure you have a clear and concise understanding of it. This is a difficult phase because it’s normal for us to go into denial about a particular subject. Maybe you secretly know that the other person is perceived as more attractive than you, but you have a hard time coming to grips with it. If that’s the case then you can relax, as nobody else can read your thoughts but you. Even if you don’t want to admit it to others, it’s ok to admit these things to yourself, as you’ll find that coming to accept yourself is much easier to do than constantly building a wall of denial. Even just admitting you have these feelings of jealousy will take a big weight off your chest, and you’ll be glad you kept an honest door of communication open within yourself.

If you’ve gotten this far, and can precisely identify what it is you feel threatened about, then you’ve just gotten over the biggest hurdle in dealing with your jealousy. Congratulations! Now the next step comes in taking that area where you feel insecure in comparison to the other person, and applying it to yourself. For example, if you feel the other person is better looking than you, then determine why you feel this way. Is it because you feel out of shape? Is the other person taller or slimmer than you? Do you feel like they dress better than you? Whatever the reason, be sure you can properly identify it, as this is an important step in determining the root of your jealousy.

Suppose you are out of shape and that this person is indeed better looking than you. Maybe they've achieved more financial success then you have, or maybe they've even got a more reputable career than you. If that's the case then...

So what?! Does it really matter how much money THEY make or how often THEY workout? Are you going to change YOUR lifestyle because THEY have something that YOU don't? Do you think THEY are going to change THEIR lifestyle for YOU? Certainly not!

Think about that for a while, and what exactly it is that your jealous thoughts are doing to yourself. I can take a pretty good guess at exactly what they're doing: tearing you up inside, at the expense of your own health and goodwill while this other person goes about their life freely as they choose.

Because you have gotten this far, and you’ve successfully identified the source of your jealousy, you can now turn those negative thoughts into one of the most positive and growth oriented forces in your life. First of all, if you really are self-conscious about how you look, your weight, your physique, etc, then now is the perfect time to change that. Let’s pretend that you do perceive the other person as having a better physique than you do, and that your body image is in some way lacking in comparison to theirs. Now you can harness this jealousy into motivation to potentially work on that particular aspect of your life. Of course, that alone isn't going to "cure" you of your jealousy, but it's one positive aspect you can pull from it.

But what if your jealousy stems from something you have no control over? Maybe you feel threatened because the person has a substantially higher income than you do, and you know that in the immediate future there’s no way you could possibly reach that financial level. You’re obviously not going to just get rich overnight, so what do you do?

You bring out your strongest traits.

What do I mean by that? Just because someone is wealthier than you, that doesn’t mean they’re more intelligent, more capable, or more personable. If you perceive somebody’s best trait to be something you can’t compete with directly, then bring your best trait to the table too.

“Hmmm, he’s better looking than me and wealthier too…however, I’m extremely witty, outgoing, and funny.”

What this means is removing those areas completely. Disregarding aspects where you think the other person has more leverage than you, and instead developing your own traits and characteristics you excel at.

“She’s prettier than I am? So what, my career has excelled far above hers.”

This is the mindset you need to adopt when looking at this situation. Keep in mind this is NOT a head-butting situation. This is not a toe-to-toe, “me vs him” or "me vs her" kind of exercise, where you continually compete to see who can reign supreme. If that’s what you’re currently thinking then get rid of that thought right now. There is no competition here to begin with, why? Because you don’t need a competition to justify why you excel in certain areas to begin with.

“He’s more athletic than me…but that’s ok, because I’m a lot more creative and artistic.”

Instead, this is an exercise in realizing what potential you do have. Too often people get locked up in this mindset of seeing what they don’t have and dwelling on that. By doing this, you’re essentially putting the ball into the other player’s court. You’re playing on their terms, not yours. If you’re so fixated on the fact that someone is in better shape than you, and that’s all you visualize in your mind, then you’re fighting an uphill battle you can’t win. Instead of bringing your best traits to the table, you’re keeping the ball in their court by only adhering to what they have and you don’t. Instead, bring the ball back into your court by focusing on the characteristics and traits that make you more powerful, personable, and truly unique in who you are.

If you were to always focus on the things that someone else has and you don’t, it would be like me committing a crime and you paying the price for it. Don’t think for a second other people are going to change for you. If you constantly tell yourself you’re not as good as this other individual and that you can’t possibly live up to them, then that’s letting them reign supreme and walk all over you, while you’re stuck with emotions like anxiety, fear, insecurity, sadness, and anger. Meanwhile, while you’re feeling the way you do, this other person is continuing along fine, leaving you in the dust with your jealousy and negative emotions.

By keeping sight of the traits and characteristics that bring out the best in you, you can continually build onto this wall of confidence. Think of these strong areas as the primary cores in your life which have shaped you into who you are today. Don’t ever for a second wish those away, because in doing so you’re giving away the strongest power you possess. That’s not to say you should neglect other aspects of your life, because if there's one thing you can learn about jealousy, it's which aspects of your life subconsciously you feel need the most improvement. Often times these aspects of your life are unclear to you until a jealous situation arises. Not only are you aware of your strongest and most unique areas, but you’re now also aware of what areas that you feel need the most work.

When put in a jealous situation, the most important thing you can do is not dwell on the wave of negative emotions that hit you. Identify what it is that you’re feeling insecure about, and quickly turn that jealousy into empowerment.

Just to summarize:

• Jealousy occurs
• Identify root of jealous feeling(s)
• Identify specifics of jealous feeling(s)
• Apply these traits or characteristics to yourself
• Determine your core strengths and potentials
• Focus and develop these core strengths and potentials
• Apply these core strengths and potentials to your life
• Realize the success you have when adhering to your own standards
• Determine (for future use) what aspects of your life you feel you could improve upon
• Build confidence

I hope after reading this, whether facing a situation of jealousy or not, everyone can at least become more aware of their personal strengths and characteristics. This not only means a lower chance of jealousy in the future, but it also represents a more positive, confident, and powerful image of yourself, something everyone can benefit from.

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