We all encounter people in our lives who lie to us. Whether their intentions are to protect themselves, protect you, prevent you from knowing something, or even to cause you harm, the end result is always the same. These people may cleverly disguise these lies or even just try to retain specific information, but rarely does the outcome differ. It doesn’t matter what the purpose behind the lie is, or whether the intentions of the liar were to help you or hinder you; dealing with a liar is something we never want to do.

When was the last time you got excited because somebody lied to you? What about the last time you said “I know you lied because you were afraid I’d be upset if I learned the truth, so thanks for having my back there.”? The problem with liars is that even if they have the best intentions in the world, what they’re doing is still destroying the bridge of trust between the two of you. Their “act of kindness” is anything but kindness, and the long term problems it presents can be just as detrimental as the short term ones.

In understanding liars, we need to understand what it is that motivates them. Why do they do the things they do? The first guideline to understanding that is this:

Don’t ever think a liar is carrying your best interests.

When a liar lies, even if they actually believe what they’re doing is protecting you, the reality of things is that they’re only hurting you more and more. Telling a lie is an extremely selfish act. The liar doesn’t want to face the consequences and repercussions of their actions, so they’re banking on a lie to carry them past those. It’s a gamble. If the lie is successful, then they got away with their action as well as avoiding any negative repercussions. If the lie fails to hold up, not only are they going to face the consequences to their actions, but they’re also going to face additional repercussions for the lie too. Consciously, the liar may not think of all these factors before deciding to go through with the lie or not, but subconsciously these factors are all being processed in their mind. Factors such as the liars past lying experiences, how well they think you can perceive the truth from a lie, and what additional negative consequences will become of them if they’re caught with the lie.

It’s sort of like when you tried to hide your report card from your parents as you were growing up. If you had great marks then hey, no reason to hide that report card at all; but if those grades were less than satisfactory, you were presented with an interesting array of choices.

You could either show your parents the grades, accepting the negative punishment as it came, or you could try and lie about it. Maybe you could try and alter the grades or tell your parents your report card got lost, but either way, if you weren’t straightforward and truthful with what happened, you were gambling with your consequences. If your parents never found out about your bad grades, and you never got punished for it, then your lie was successful. You were saved from the negative consequences. If you got caught however, then you knew your punishment was about to get a whole lot nastier, and you’d probably regret doing such a stupid thing in the first place.

That’s how most liars I’ve dealt with have operated. Everything is fine and cool as long as their lie is working according to plan, but the second you catch on or find out something isn’t right, they break down and act as if deeply regret what they did. In truth, they may actually regret what they did, and they may even feel embarrassed about their actions. If I was caught in a particularly nasty lie, I know I’d certainly feel like a fool, ashamed of my actions and of what it had done to another. Yet even if they do feel embarrassed or ashamed, chances are that’s out of their own benefit, not yours.

As easy as it is to let our emotions take hold of us, whether it’s anger, sadness, confusion, or anything in between, remember that the liar consciously chose to lie to you. I’m not advocating you needlessly blow up on someone, but just as a liar can manipulate you with their lies, so too can they manipulate you with their emotions. All too often I’ve fallen prey to this myself; getting mad at somebody for lying, and then when I see how upset they are, I instantly begin to forgive them and attempt to push the matter behind us. The problem with this though is that it sets the stage for the liar to strike again. They see that the negative outcome of their lie caused them minimal repercussions, and so subconsciously they know that if they do it again, chances are high that even if they get caught they probably won’t face severe consequences.

On the other side of this spectrum, coming down so hard on someone once you’ve discovered a lie in them may too cause even more lying in the future. Instead of lying again because they think they can get away with it, they’re lying out of fear. They’re afraid that their actions will anger you or cause something negative to befall them, and so instead of owing up to what they’ve done, they attempt to keep their actions a secret from you. This of course is just as problematic, because it still leaves the door open for future lying. It may even make you paranoid to a degree, as you’ll start to second guess everything this person says or does. Of course, what’s the easiest solution to all of this? Not to lie at all.

Now obviously different lies are going to be weighted differently coming from different people. The people we carry in our lives are sort of like investments. The more you put into something, the more it’s going to hurt as it comes crashing down. If a complete stranger told you a lie on the street, would you really even care? Chances are you wouldn’t, you’d dismiss them and go about your business. What about a co-worker you see once in a while, but not somebody who’s really close to you? What if they lied to you? If anything, you’d ask yourself why this person felt the need to lie, but it probably wouldn’t weigh very heavily upon your thoughts; in fact, it may not even weigh upon them at all.

But what if your spouse or significant other lies? That’s certainly going to cause a lot more damage than a lie from a complete stranger or someone you barely associate yourself with. Depending on the content of the lie, that’s something that could easily rock your world, leaving you stuck with a variety of emotions all at once.

Obviously a spouse or significant other is someone who you’ve invested a lot into. You’ve put a lot of time and emotion into this other person, and so when they lie to you, the emotions and consequences you face are going to be much more severe. It’s just like investing in the stock market. The more of yourself you pour into something, the more it hurts falling down.

Why do liars lie though? It’s obvious they’re afraid of exposing the truth, but why do they choose such a selfish path?

It’s safe to assume most liars are fairly immature people in one aspect or another, that is, they can’t hold the weight of responsibility very well. The person can be 10 years old or 60 years old, but they still share the common bond of being unable to maintain responsibility. At its core, that’s exactly what a liar is, someone who lacks this particular trait. When someone is described as being “mature” or “responsible,” that means they carry the ability to own up to and face all of their actions. It doesn’t matter whether an action is good or bad, the responsible person will bear the consequences no matter what. Liars lack this ability, and what’s interesting is, despite a good liar often thinking they’ve pulled the wool over everyone’s eyes, often it’s the liar who loses the most. Even if somebody manages to lie to me and get away with it, I laugh to myself when I realize that I don’t have to resort to those measures. That’s not to say I feel sympathy for liars, but having had to deal with responsibility my entire life, I can’t imagine have to resort to such tactics to deal with my problems.

The next biggest question though is inevitably “how do I deal with a liar?” When somebody lies to you, how are you supposed to react to their actions, and what do you do if you’ve caught somebody in the act?

While I was once at a point in my life where I’d easily become enraged when I found out somebody close to me was feeding me lies, now I view liars in a different light. While anger can still easily take hold of me, depending on the situation, I often use it as a means of analyzing the other person. My big thing lately has been, when I catch somebody in a lie, I don’t immediately confront them about it. Depending on how severe it is, I may wait a few days or weeks, or just not even say anything at all. For example, if someone lies to me and says they were at the movies, when in reality they were out at dinner, knowing this, I’ll ask them how the movies were just to see what response they give. It’s sort of like my way of testing their honesty, giving them one last chance to redeem themselves and tell the truth. Sometimes I can tell this makes them a bit flustered, but other times, if I’m dealing with an experienced liar, they may not even bat an eye.

Why do this instead of calling them out? As tempting as calling out the liar may be, doing this beforehand gives you a way of analyzing the liar and seeing how deeply rooted their lie is. If you’ve brought up the subject they’re lying about, or hinted that you may know something is up, yet the liar refuses to budge, then you know you’re dealing with the real thing. You may notice some liars are so good they can even turn the tables on you. Making you look like the bad guy, or just like an overall nosy individual. Lying is a skill, and like most skills, the more you do it, the better you get with it. An experienced liar will usually have quite the arsenal up their sleeve, so make sure you’re aware ahead of time of any potential cards they may play.

Once you’ve gathered as much information from the liar as you can, you then have to make the choice of whether to call them out or not. The reason I prefer to wait before calling them out is because it gives me some time to think over what’s happened, and to fully understand all sides as best I can. It also lets me realize that this person is not going to back down from their lie, no matter how many times I bring up the subject or how many times I hint at knowing the truth. At the same time, it allows me to better see the true colors of somebody. It lets me know they lack the courage or responsibility to stand behind their decisions, and that they’d rather hide behind a lie than expose what they’ve done.

Even when you do bring up the fact that you’re aware of the lie, the other person may still try and hold onto that lie. They’ve rooted it so deeply, that even exposing it isn’t enough to kill it. You may find yourself under fire of accusations or insults, but don’t let that sway you if you know the real truth.

When it comes to actually catching somebody in a lie, there are a million different things people have recommended you look for. Some people say their eyes move too fast, while others say they move too slow, and others still will say that the liar may avoid eye contact, while others will insist the liar makes more eye contact than usual. It all comes down to knowing the other person and picking up odd behavior they may emit. If the person is normally calm but now seems a bit tense and sweaty, then that’s a sign that something isn’t right. If the person usually looks you in the eye when speaking to you and suddenly their eyes are all over the place, that too is a sign that something is amiss here. I can’t really give any specific advice on that because it will vary for each person, and even worse yet, experienced liars may have learned how to control these signs of nervousness. Even better liars will find a way to innocently turn the topic around onto something more favorable that’ll allow them to ease up a bit.

The best piece of advice I can give in that respect then is showing you something that works on almost anybody. It’s called the 5 Second Trick, and I find it pretty unique to most strategies. The next time you think somebody is lying, right after they’ve finished telling you the lie, don’t say anything for 5 seconds. Just remain silent, and if you’re with somebody in person, just continue looking at them. If somebody is lying, this gap in time usually makes them a bit anxious, and often they’ll continue talking and giving additional details that really weren’t needed. When you look at the person, don’t give them a nasty glare, as that’ll only provoke them to question your actions, but just continue looking at them the way you always do when they speak to you. You’ll be surprised at how effective this can be.

Finally, when it comes to liars, just use your best intuition. I’m hesitant to say “once a liar, always a liar.” but be careful who you let your guard down with. If somebody was selfish enough to lie once and they got away with it, chances are high they’ll try for a second and third time too. Even more so than that, you ultimately control the extent to which a liar can sting you. If you're careful with who you place your trust in and who you invest in, then all the lies in the world won’t hurt you. Of course, if you knew somebody was a liar you wouldn’t have invested in them to begin with, but just exercise your best caution with who you allow to carry that trust. Some people take this too far, and end up holing themselves up with emotional burden because they’re too afraid to reach out to anybody. Don’t be like that either, just be aware of how much power somebody has once they’ve gained a foothold into your trust zone.

And how do you go on treating somebody once you’ve discovered they’re a liar? That all depends on you; but just remember that if somebody was able to stab you in the back once, what makes you think they won’t do it again?

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