Stop Apologizing So Much

Apologizing is often seen as something we should do frequently to avoid unwanted conflict. You could probably Google a million and one articles right now on “how to apologize” or something similar; something that instructs the reader on how to apologize properly. The truth is, saying an apology isn’t at all difficult, and knowing when and how to go about it are pretty simple. Like a lot of things, people have tried to create this complex set of rules when there’s really no need for them. There’s all this nonsense about who should apologize first or how you should change the way you say, but the simple truth is, anytime you feel remorse or guilt for what you’ve done, apologize; otherwise there’s no need to.

If I get into a fight with someone and say some hurtful things to them, the next day I may feel bad about what I said. At the time maybe I was outraged and screaming whatever obscenity came to mind, but after a day or so of thinking about it, I realize that what I did was not only inappropriate, but downright hurtful to this other person. I don’t need some complex formula of how I should apologize or when I should do it; as soon as I’m able to see that person I tell them I’m sorry for the way I acted. I don’t need to worry if he or she is going to apologize first or anything like that because it SHOULDN’T MATTER. If you’re honestly thinking like this then you’ve turned it into nothing more than a mind game, and you’re probably not even sincere in apologizing.

However, this is hardly an issue for most people, and unless they’re emotionally unstable, they should be able to determine when they feel guilty about past actions and that an apology is in order. The real issue is apologizing TOO MUCH. I see this behavior all the time in friends and it really eats me up. Not only does it make no sense, but it puts the other person in a position of power over you. You should apologize when you’re sincerely sorry about something, not when you’ve done something that you don’t think other people would like. This not only makes you look fake, but it gives the impression that you have no backbone either.

A common one I see all the time is apologizing for something you’re truly not sorry for, just so you can appease the other person. Ever notice for example, when somebody will ask one person a question and the other person doesn’t know, how they’ll start to apologize because they don’t know? Sometimes the person asking the question will get mad or frustrated because the person doesn’t know the answer, and the person being asked will just sit there and continually apologize. Why the hell would you apologize for not knowing something? If someone asks me directions and I don’t know, then I simply don’t know; end of story. There’s nothing to be upset, mad, or apologetic about, I simply don’t know.

Another one I used to see all the time was when I worked at the pharmacy. Certain patients would request things be done that weren’t part of our normal routine, and were generally things we had no access to. Usually these were issues they wanted resolved that we had absolutely no control over; issues that had to be resolved by either the doctor, insurance, or hospital. Some patients refused to take no for an answer and would blow up on whoever it was that they thought to be “responsible.” Usually the person getting screamed at would continually apologize and act like they were sorry for being unable to help this person, even though it was a complete waste of time. If I give you water and tell you turn it into gold, are you going to be sorry that you can’t do it? It can’t physically be done, so why would you apologize for something like that?

In this day and age, dealing with rude people has pretty much become commonplace. You especially know this if you work in a retail or service industry that requires helping or waiting on people throughout the day; yet even if you don’t you still probably deal with your fair share. The point of this article isn’t to advocate rude behavior, because that’s what usually starts most of this in the first place. The point is to know when you should apologize and when you shouldn’t, and that apologizing when something ISN’T your fault only opens yourself up as an easy target for someone to take advantage of. People love to blame others for their problems, and by apologizing you’re pretty much saying “it’s my fault, I’m sorry for doing that to you.” Do you think apologizing to rude patients in the pharmacy ever helped matters? It never did, because as far as they were concerned, you were the one to blame for the problem they were having. And why shouldn’t they think this way? By apologizing like that, you’re essentially taking ownership of the blame, even though you have nothing to do with it.

You’ll notice that in life, regardless of age, there are those who can take care of themselves and those who can’t. Those who CAN accept complete responsibility for their life are able to solve their own problems and reap the rewards of doing so. Then there are those who rely on others to get them through life; whether it be handouts from other people, using other people as scapegoats for their problems, or relying on other people to fix these problems; the end result is still the same. These people still haven’t learned to take responsibility for their actions, and so their progress through life will always be limited by those around them. Why this might not affect you, it’s always good when you can notice it in others.

The next time you start to apologize for something, think for a second if it’s truly your fault. If it is, then by all means take action to correct it; otherwise don’t become the scapegoat for a problem that isn’t yours.